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All behold the girl of a million hormones
2003-05-31 at 8:22 p.m.
Perhaps you notice the new layout. Perhaps you do not. Perhaps you are an idiot.
Just kidding. Yeah, I've gone back to one of my old favorite designs... back to the non-celebrity type.
I have to explain a tad. I loved Ashton Kutcher. Still do. He never fails to keep me laughing, and the show Punk'd is just great. Really.
But as time went on, every time I would come to my journal...I felt cheapened by the fact that, maybe in my subconscious I'm using a star's face to make my diary look better. And in reality? It kinda made it look dumb.
So, I apologize. To myself mostly.
My confusion hasn't lessened any in the 8 hours that I last posted. But it's okay. 'Cause something more important's goin on.
I think I've lost a little too much in the span of a week. Things changed... everything changed in one week.
I lost my favorite TV show. The characters that I had grown to love and care for, not to mention quote 24/7, all died with it. Even if some will be resurrected to move to Angel. It's still gone.
And in a sense, I lost my friends. I KNOW I'll see them again. Most of them. The ones that really matter. But...I'll never have another chance to be that close to them.
To spend my days with them, an arm, or a shout's length away. To borrow their pencils, and steal their hats, tossing them around the room for the sheer silliness of it all.
I'm on my own. I always had this huge hype of how I can fend for myself, I don't really need these people, I just tolerate them around me. It's all crap.
I feel so... lost. I'm nothing without these people...I mean, I had a personality while people were around. I still do. I'm a bitter cynic with a very sarcastic side. But that's just half of me. The other half used to be a sweet, loving girl who wanted nothing more than to please everyone around her.
Well...I think that's mainly "Rachel". And she's sitll around. But I think that right now, I have nobody to show that affection to. Because they're all gone. And all that's left, is this bitter shell.
Which really sucks, because I was hoping this summer would be a summer of discovery for me.
I think that this can be overcome. I know I'm going to find new friends at the high school. I'm bound to. People love me!
But...what do I do now? I can't really figure out what I want to do class-wise, until I find out what I want to do with my life. And I can't find out what I want to do with my life without finding the other half of me.
And I can't find the other half of me without my friends.
It's just a huge circle that is really starting to annoy me.
Maybe if I just calm down...give myself a chance to adjust, PG (Post-Glenview), I'll be okay. Probably.
I just...need this time to pass as soon as possible. Because I'm so not loving the feeling of being a second away from tears all the time.
One little memory can spur it. Or one comment. It's crazy. And I can't blame it on my "Werewolf Days" because, it's impossible.
So...this is all me. And it sucks.
Gimme time. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme.... oh god. Here I go again.
I miss my Scottiness. I have to go see him soon.
I'm pathetic.
<-Ghost->
Quote:
"I feel like I've been split down the center...and half of me is lost.
Oz is gone." -Willow
Love you too David *sniffle*
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