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Seeing Red No More
2003-04-09 at 3:53 p.m.
Yeah, um.... hi. I'm just...er *takes a deep breath* This is to Blake. Read, understand, or just plain ignore this. But, I need to... cause I'm feeling really really bad, or at least... never mind. Here goes.
Blake-
Look, I just wanna take back what I posted... a week or so ago? I was on a major ranting rampage, and you kinda became the source of it all.
Do NOT read this wrong. This is not an "it's ok" note. It's NOT ok. What you've done... it made me feel like dirt thrown out on the street, and walked across. I might have once been treasured to you, or I might have just been fooling myself. But what's happened between us... certain things have been lost forever. I can't bring them back, no matter how hard I try.
But I think I might have given up altogether entirely too early. I'm rash and impulsive, it's a flaw. Ok... that's the last quote I'm going to use. This is serious. As much as I hate being serious... this calls for it.
With all the ranting and raving I've done...all the pissing and moaning about what I've been through... and who did it to me, and I just... I'm sorry.
I don't quit. Can I take back what I said? Please?
I mean... It's always me who has to apologize, but ya know...I'm ok with that. I just... I need to get this out. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you lately. I'm sorry I never talk to you. I'm sorry that I don't seem to care anymore, and by god, I'm sorry that I honestly stopped caring.
Things may not be right between us...ever. The days where we could sit and chat for hours on end, and just be free with each other... I think those days are gone, Blake. I miss them SO much, and I'd do anything to bring them back... but they're gone.
Things have been ruined. But not beyond a semi-repair. We only have two short months left together...before we split for high school. There's a chance I'll still see you at church... but... I still remember how it works at church. You're "church Blake" and can't be associated with me any longer, right?
Not complaining. I understand. You need to be a chameleon. It's your only way of life, right? And if it hurts me, I just need more friends. It all boils down to my problem anyway.
I just want to point out...that I see what you're doing. Lately... you've been trying. You've been trying to connect with me again. I can feel it, and I've tried to simply not care, but I can't just avoid you. So here goes. I'm not quitting. I'll sit with you, and I'll help you, and I'll talk to you about pointless stuff as long as you want. But don't expect me to come crawling to you with my problems.
Those days are over. Kaput. Never to have their revivification (I love that word). But I'll be there for you. I can't ask for anything in return. Not a call on a birthday, not advice in a situation...barely a listening ear. But I promise... you'll have mine.
So there. I'm here for ya, buddy, and I'm not going to give up. I take it all back, alright? I wanna make these last moments between us pleasant ones. And I want to be there for people, like I always say I am.
I love you, Blake. The crush days are over, but I think I'll always love you. I don't think I can stop. So...take me for granted, I don't care. It's not over between us. Not just yet. This rant, however...is.
I had to get it out...and so, here ya have it. I don't know if I'll keep it here, but I needed to write it, and Word just doesn't work the same for me. So... yeah. I just keep talking, huh? I can't come up with any resolutions to my thoughts today...they just kinda continue.
So I gotta cut it short before my train of thought switches to something completely
Hey, on a Buffier note, they served peaches in the cafeteria yesterday. Made me laugh. And now I'm struck with the desire to go and read Spike and Dru: Pretty Maids All in a Row 'cause in History... we're studying that good ol' WWI era, and in Language we're reading a book about it...
And suddenly I just must read it. Hmm. Oh well. Got nothin'else to say.
<-Ghost->
Quote: (doctored a bit, to my liking)
"Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard.. You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were...
I'm sorry, it's just... (sigh) you know it takes time. You can't just... have coffee and expect --
There's just so much to work through. Trust has to build again, on both sides...you have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives, it's a long and important process and ... can we just skip it? Can you... can you just be kissing me now?"
-Tara
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