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2002-12-30 at 3:49 p.m.
Hey. Lately, I've been too "busy" doing nothing to write, and I figure nobody reads this anyway, but I'm just going to vent now.
Nothing to really vent about, now that I think it, but I'm missing my friends. Or, friend. She's been on, just not whenever I am, and I have this suspicion that she's avoiding me. Sounds silly, but I coulda done something to make her mad, I guess. I doubt it, I bet she's just not online now...but still, that nagging voice in the back of my head... *sigh*
I've been thinking how much I like being me. Yeah, I'm fat, yeah, I'm not pretty, yeah, the guys don't line up to ask me out, yeah, I'm a geek, but it's ok. I'm not...wanting to BE anything else at the moment.
Life is good, I think. My friends and I are talking, I've been accepted, finally and completely (I'm pretty sure) as one of the guys, and so I have a better relationships with most of the guys at school then their girlfriends do. I'm a geek, but I'm smart, and very trustworthy. People trust me to get things done, for them or with them. I get walked on, but it beats not having people turn to you in a crisis.
Heh, I'm a giver. Sometimes, life really sucks. I feel left out of everything, I feel like nobody really cares about me, as long as they can get answers from me, that's all they need to talk to me about... and it's true, sometimes. But...something just clicked.
I'll never be the most popular, the most pretty, or the most athletic, but I can be the most trusted. I'd rather be known for giving people what they want and need then brush people off in order to talk to my clique. I don't have a clique. I'm in all the cliques...sorta. I don't belong anywhere.
I fit in them all!
Popular/Pretty Girls: because I like guys...so what, I hang with guys, doesn't mean I don't crush on them occasionally, though I am over that, I HAVE before.
The Guys: I mostly fit here, cause I play guitar and watch the same stuff as the rest of the guys, and I'm into the same music. I just don't like girls, so I'm out of place in a few conversations. They still feel like they need to "protect" me from some convos... like I haven't heard worse.
The Perverted Guys: Yeah, because I'm not a good, innocent little girl. I'm not a ho, I'm still a virgin, yeah, but I've got one heck of a twisted sense of humor.
The Outcasts: I fit here. I don't hang with them, because I don't WANT to fit here. But I do. I don't fully belong in any category.
People place me in whatever category they NEED me in at the moment. When guys need help, dude, I'm right there with 'em. When they don't need me as much, I'm more of a geek to them. Yeah, they talk to me, and I'm included now, but I'll always be a girl that shouldn't hear some conversations to them. I'm tired of being protected.
I've seen bad things, I've heard bad things, but everyone still thinks I'm the perfect little angel. Yes, I know how to behave. Yes, I know how to act around adults. Yes, I have straight-a's... but that doesn't mean I don't have FUN occasionally.. I have way too much fun, actually. Life is a ball for me, and that's all it has been. It gets hard, but I get through it, pop on my headphones, and sing along with whatever mood music I want, and life is good again.
And my friends? My best friend since 3rd grade barely knows I exist sometimes. We've been through everything. I've crushed on him for years, and we got through it. We're still close enough that even though we're not supposed to go to the office or nurse in co-ed pairs, the teachers know they can trust us to go together.
They let us run around the friggin school together, and that happens a lot. It's neat. I mean, it could have something to do with the fact that I'm fat and undesirable, but still...a boy and a girl running off around a school, unsupervised takes a lot of trust, and we have it. But... when social gatherings are involved... it's a completely different story.
We can talk for hours at a time, just...watching the same thing on TV, or listening to the radio together, but when there's more than a few people around us, suddenly I'm not there to him. He's with his church friends, and I'm alone. He's with his girlfriend, and I'm alone. I've become very introspective lately...and I'm not sure I don't like being alone now. But it still hurts. Hurts a lot.
Wow. I guess I had more to rant on then I thought. And I don't feel much better. Oh well, I'm alright. Just wish I had someone to TALK TO right now.
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