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not me
2003-01-20 at 11:46 a.m.
Hey, it's been a looooong time since an update, but I'm back. I'm looking for a new look for the layout... I think I like this one. Oh well, keep your eyes peeled, it'll change.
I wonder why I do this, the whole, journal thing. I mean, when I was younger, I always thought, "Gee, it'd be nice to have a secret place where I can write down EXACTLY how I feel and just be me."
And this is what that is, right? So why am I not happy? I think I'm starting to figure it out.
I love writing. Writing rules, to me. I can have billions of ideas just flowing through my head, and if I'm given the place to write them down freely, I can write for hours.
But, if I have to write about me, and not a fictional character that I just dreamed up...I get bored. It's weird, innit?
Me, at least at last check, is extremely boring. I can write about my "feelings" and stuff, but why bother? My feelings are always misplaced, and I change them every other minute anyway, and I'm not even really sure what I'm feeling whenever I say I'm feeling something.
Heck, I don't even know who I am anymore. Well, ok, I lied. I know who I am. I don't know how, why, or what I am. Barely know where half the time.
I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, life is like a big production, and I'm in a costume. I thought the costume was me, but it's not. I can feel it. The sad thing is, I wish it was me. I can't just act like someone else as me for a long time....
I mean, it's seriously like I'm acting. I don't know what I'd do without the costume though. I don't want to go back to being the smart,fat, and ugly kid with the entire lack of social grace.
I'm still smart, fat and ugly, but at least I have a place now. Ok, at least a cyber-place. I have a group of guys in school that are finally accepting me, and I have real, live, friends now.
But part of me can't help but wonder...what if they find out what I'm really like, and decide to not like me again? I enjoy being who I am at the moment...it's fun. But I'm scared I'm going to revert back to my unpopular self, and half of me just wants to call it quits and retreat into myself before I get hurt. Better to be alone before to prepare for being alone later right?
But I'm not alone... So I seem to think. I have friends, on the internet. Yeah, I know, crazy, huh? I have the best friends on the internet. They can't even see me (well, one of em has) and they love me. Or at least they pretend to. But I have faith that they do...I have to. My life is nothing without friends. I need ties to the world, and without them, I'd...I don't know what I'd do. But it wouldn't be good.
Why does it always seem more depressing when I write things down then they seemed in my head? I mean, I don't feel sorry for myself. It's odd, roleplaying as someone being you, but I'm not exactly depressed about it.
Or, maybe I am. I don't know. I don't know what I am. It's confusing. I can hope that I'll find out what I'm really like eventually...I just hope I do soon. I don't know how long I can stand not knowing whether I'll revert back to my old self, or if this is even me at all. Oh well. Whoever I am, she's here now, and she'll always be here.
~Hugs to my reader~
P.S. I don't normally do this, but there's a coupla songs that've been nagging at the back of my teensy brain while I wrote this, so I thought I'd share.
Lifehouse~Someone Else's Song
Good Charlotte~Young and Hopeless
:SOUNDTRACK:
Nerf Herder
Scissor Sisters
John Mayer
Radiohead
Mars Volta
:I
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