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Alone
2003-02-28 at 4:11 p.m.
Once again, I'm sitting here. Once again, I'm at a loss for words. Once again, I'm alone. Once again...once again.
Things don't feel the same. I never knew I could be this lame. Sitting here, knowing the world spins five times faster around me. Oh, but that require the world to revolve around me.
Maybe I've been rejected from it, and I'm just now understanding that I no longer belong.
Have I ever belonged? Or is this all a delusion? God I wish I knew.
I don't. I don't know. I don't belong. I just don't.
Can I quit? Can I throw in the towel and will myself away from here?
You don't understand...of course you don't. Escaping to the bathroom whilst at school, constantly. I feel smothered by the constant flow of people. I need escape. I need solitude.
But people take this wrong. I choose whom I want to be with. If I say I need solitude, and you leave, it makes it worse. Don't try and understand. I don't even understand. Who can grasp my mind, when I've locked it away under all these tears and callouses, into its own imprisonment?
I'll tell if I wish to be alone. You'll know. By god, you'll know. But don't leave me. I can't handle anyone else leaving me.
I'm such a mystery. I thrive on people, but I want to remove myself from them constantly. If nobody flashes me a smile, my day is gone. The rest is gone, already, why waste yet another day?
I'm alone within this swirl of people and talk. That feeling of having everyone be around you, and wanting to cry because nobody is near enough.
I need an attachment. I need someone to love. Someone who understands my desire to love. I need to be loved by someone other than those who are supposed to love me.
Someone who chooses to, not who was forced into the responsibility of it. And nobody does. I've wasted too much of my emotion on everyone, and nobody but nobody realizes that it's not just a one-way street.
It is, I'll never stop loving them. I'll never stop offering myself out to them, however they need me. Ever. But... why is that enough for them? Why isn't it enough for me? Somebody has to notice, right? Somebody HAS to have noticed that I pour myself out daily to help and love those nearest me, right?
Why don't I believe you? Why won't they notice? Why won't this computer screen help me? Why can't I get any answers from anyone?
And why am I still so desperately alone? Everyone near me says hello, hangs with me, and now they even TALK to me. My family spends more time with me than I realize, and yet I'm still so alone.
They think I'm being selfish. I don't want them to spend MORE time with me, I just want to find it. It is impossible to find, however. For me, anyway.
Well. Look. All that outburst, tears on the brink, and I'm still alone. I need to busy myself for one last hope of light.
I'll be around. You know where to find me if you want.
<-Ghost->
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