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This entry should be private, but it's not
2005-03-31 at 9:47 p.m.
It kills me to be thought of as just another teenager. I don't want to be considered "normal" for my age group. I want to be exceptional.
My smarts aren't enough. I am smart, but I'm nowhere near the top ten of my grade.
My attitude isn't enough. I want to be respectable and sweet, but people just get on my nerves lately. My family does, at least. And that...
It hurts. I can't speak in my own house anymore. Apparently I'm just another teenager with an attitude problem.
My Stupid Mouth is playing in my head, and I just want to cry. I'm going to be heading out on a trip tomorrow, but I'm not excited. I'm worried. Worried that my parents think I hate them. Worried that my parents don't want to talk to me anymore. Worried that my fun won't be shared. Worried that I'm just a freak. Worried that I don't love my parents the way I should because I can't control how I feel about them sometimes.
I can't help that Stephanie's incessant yammering while we're watching a movie gets on my nerves. I don't know how to stop myself from making a sarcastic comment and ruining everything.
I feel like I should just close my mouth and never open it again. That sounds like a good plan.
I don't know what to do. I used to think I was funny, now I'm just "cranky."
And they laugh at me. They laugh at what I'm feeling. Like it's all a joke. Those crazy hormones kicking in, ha ha, her life feels like its being sucked into a vaccuum and she has no control over it, ha ha. She's alone at school and in life, and she's depressed and doesn't want to talk about it because she's "cranky." Ha. Ha.
I get grumpy when I sleep badly. I don't like being talked to a lot when I just wake up. I don't like being asked "What's wrong?" within the first few minutes of my waking up, because the answer is liable to be, at that moment, "you."
I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wish I knew what to do. But I don't. So I keep blindly swinging out hurtful phrases from this idiotic mouth of mine, and I keep making life for me and with me worse.
There's so much going on in my life right now, and I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel helpless.
I'm supposed to be independent, but I've never had to be before. Not fully. I'm supposed to just know how to do this because I've always known how to take care of myself?
Fine then, but don't expect me to want to open up and share after that. If I have to keep to myself, I'll keep to myself. It doesn't go both ways. It just doesn't.
I'm sorry that my being a novice at this whole "life" thing is annoying and clingy, but I can't help it. I need to gain some ground before I can just set out on my own. I need backup.
All I have right now is a minefield before and behind me. And I don't know where to step, what to say, what to do. I just want to curl up where I am and stay there.
Sometimes, I shouldn't say words.
<-Ghost->
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