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Abandon hope all ye who enter my life.
2005-01-20 at 8:59 p.m.
I am so tired of being told that my feelings are normal. I'm tired of being told that I'm perfectly okay, and any bad feelings that I have, I just need to stop feeling them and they'll go away.
It's so frustrating, and I'm so tired of feeling this way. I have friend issues. Even people that I love and I know love me... I convince myself, somehow or another, that they really do not like me.
People I talk to every day and who I love spending time with in class, they tell me to call them, and I freak out.
"They're just being polite," I tell myself. "They don't really want to talk to me." "She doesn't really want to come over."
I tell myself these things. I even make myself believe these things, and I don't know why or how. I have phone-phobia. It's getting worse, too. I get shaky when I call people. I can't speak, I choke up and run out of things to say. I laugh at all the wrong things and make stupid comments that, I also convince myself, I'm sure the other person finds even more inane.
I don't know why I do this. I don't think it's "normal," considering it isn't recent. It's just recently getting worse. I've never been... the goofball, the head of the class. I've always been very private, and I've only had a few friends, and I've been shy.
My writing. I've never liked publishing my stuff, or being read by other people (this doesn't count, for some stupid reason in my head. I don't understand). I didn't like speaking in front of people. Now I don't like speaking in front of people who I want to like me. And I definitely don't like speaking on the phone to them.
Typing, I'm fine with, but even some people don't get me when I'm online. And now I sound like an elitist, and it's SO FRUSTRATING because I'm not.
If anything, I'm superior, but blah blah inferiority complexcakes.
And I have no reason to be. That's what everyone tells me. Okay. So I'll just stop.
I wish I could. I don't know how. I'm trying. I try, but I just... I'm so scared. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to conquer that fear.
I feel so weak like this. I want to be strong, hear me roar, et cetera. I want to be "girl power," but I can't even fathom the thought that anyone would WANT to spend time with me, much less gather up the nerve to ask them to, and to be powerful and in control of my life.
Whatever. I have homework to do. Painful self-reflection can, and will, come later.
<-Ghost->
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