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I've got somebody else's thoughts in my head
2003-07-02 at 8:49 p.m.
Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this. Actually, I always wonder why I keep doing this.
I know I started out with the intent to just, well, pretty much appease my friend by showing her that I could keep a journal up. And I think I've succeeded rather well. I'm... whatsit, 151 entries into this? That's not so bad. Considering I joined November 19, 2002. I'd do the math there, but I think that's a sufficient amount of entries, don't you?
Oh, don't take this wrong. I'm not stopping. I just figure... now that I've reached the 100th entry, and now the 150th... I figure now is as good a time as any for self reflection.
Wait. Scratch that. I don't want to self reflect. It hasn't even been a year. Heh. I know I haven't done an entry every day, and I don't care. Some days you just...can't.
If anyone on here has tried to write something, you must know that some days you just get writer's block. I get writer's boulder. Or something really large and heavy as a rock. Like David Boreanaz. Yeah. I get writer's Angel.
Did you know I feel guilty for making that comparison now? Somebody shoot me, I'm starting to like him.
Anyway, that's really not the point. The point is...there is no point. I can't come up with a real reason for continuing this.
Anyone who's been reading me at all lately can tell that I'm constantly out of subject matter. I have been from the start. I have my bad days that I can turn into wonderfully dramatic tear-jerkers, and I have those prized witty days where I can crack myself up.
But I don't have much to actually tell about. I tried to be an observer. I tried too hard to do it right. And let me tell you: If you have to try and be funny, then whatever you write will not be funny. Some days it comes to me. Other days, I reach. And it shows.
And I've also found that doing this has increased my chances that I will turn an entire conversation around to talk about me. And I'm not like that. I don't like it. I don't like talking about myself, so I often will try and press things onto this diary that have nothing to do with me.
Because I honestly feel that you'd much rather read about those things than you would me. Why do you think I'd even bother putting Buffy/Angel/Monty Python/whatever stuff in here?
There's a point where it becomes less of just mentioning things that I love, and it becomes a distraction.
I know that many of you don't know me. You probably never will. This diary? It's not me. I put personality and "flava" into it, but it can't be me. I cannot live through a diary. You get my opinions, you get my stupid humor, you get my dull tears, but you don't get me.
But I guess I don't understand the fact that when you come here... you come here to read about me. If you want to see Buffy and Angel stuff, I guess you can just watch the show. But... I think I need to take that away from this diary.
Oh, you'll never get past my comments about David Boreanaz. Most people won't quite understand them either. But, hey, I don't care. If I feel the need, I'll do whatever I want.
Right now, however, I want to be me. I want to use this diary, instead of just allowing it to be a small, blah collection of stupidity, I want to use it to find out what I think.
I'm reaching an age where my opinions, my thoughts, my everything, can be refigured. It's an impressionable time, teenagedom. I know this. Which is why I need to find out what I believe. Because if I don't have anything to believe in, what's to stop someone from convincing me what's right?
Nothing.
I don't want to have nothing. I want to feel, I want to know, I want to trust in myself. This has been a front for me to get away from what really matters to me for too long.
I'm changing. And I want this to change with me. I'm sorry that this took a serious turn, but I need it to.
I don't want to get rid of the funny. And I won't. Because I know for a fact that funny and me go hand in hand. I'm just tired of using the funny from distract from myself. I never want attention.
But I think I'm going to need to want it soon. Otherwise, I'll never go anywhere.
So, here's me. Changing. Hope this ends well.
<-Ghost->
P.S. This turned out to be a bit of self reflection after all. Dang.
Song: Somebody Else's Song-Lifehouse.
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