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I'm not anorexic, but I want to be
2003-09-20 at 5:08 p.m.
My mood went from kinda happy to a little depressed today. I hear that's a big thing with being a girl this age: mood swings.
But... mom took me shopping with her, promising that "all she had to do" was return some pants. Well... after that, she was like, "You need a new bra."
So then, she took me to the undies section, and made me scour around for a while.
I hate shopping. It's not even the "girly" aspect of it... it's how bad it makes me feel.
I don't like realizing how large I truly am. That's probably got a lot to do with the way I despise girly things.
If I attempt to make myself beautiful... I'll just fail at it. I'll still be the fat girl. And I'd have just wasted a lot of hope and time on trying to make that change with one grand gesture.
I think mom doesn't understand how horrible it makes me feel when we go shopping for clothes. A lot like she didn't really realise how terrified I am of karaoke.
She keeps telling me that she's going to help me gain self-confidence, and that we'll work through it... but she's trying to just...shove me into being confident.
And I'm failing at it.
So, how is that going to help me feel better?
I love my mom. I do. And I understand why she wants me to be out there, "showing my talents," but I don't feel ready. I don't know if I ever will be.
And I know it's a waste to just sit here and let it rot... but going out and trying would end in just as much of a disaster for me.
I don't want to be so self-deprecating. I don't. I want to be happy, I want to be confident... I want to.
But... right now... I'm not.
Maybe things can change.
But right now, I'm cutting the foods. I can't stand to look at myself anymore.
And, for anyone out there who thinks they're reading a 14 year old girl who weighs 90 pounds thinking she's fat, you're not. Add about 150 pounds to that equation.
I'm not anorexic. I don't have a delusional self-image problem. I have self-image fact.
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