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Maybe I need Prozac
2005-02-17 at 9:54 p.m.
I went to a Jazz Cabaret up at school tonight. It was a fundraiser for our band kids, and it was pretty fun. Food, drink, friends, yeah.
Social situations like that make me nervous, though. And it's not going away. I thought I had a lot of friends... but yet again, I'm confronted with the fact that my friends have other friends that I don't know, and I'm tired of being the fifth wheel.
I hate the feeling of being annoying and going "What?" after everything that's said, and so I finally just drop out of groups. Not that it matters, because I'm not really noticed anyway.
And plus, my dad and my sister were there. I love my dad, and I love spending time with him. But Stephanie makes it very difficult for me to enjoy myself in social situations.
Any moment I DO have with one of my friends is ruined by her incessant questioning, her quirks, the awkward explanation of her antics... and then the weirded-out look I get when I explain, and things fall stale.
It happens a lot more than most people realize, I think. But it's very embarrassing, and it's not fair to me that I should suffer from her disease.
But it's mine that makes me suffer too. I don't really have a disease, I just have a paranoia about social situations. I get along great with people... but people don't get along great with me.
I freeze up, like I've said before. I laugh too much, I'm too loud, I say too much... I just cannot help it.
Social Situation side effects may include: Oral diarrhea and a blockage of most basic brain functions.
This more than anything is what scares me. I want to be able to function outside of class, but I think that's all I am. I'm just a stationary object in class that you can laugh, touch and play with, but when that bell rings, I cease to exist.
Do I do this on purpose? Do I enjoy living through social nights of oddly-placed torture, just so I can come home and cry?
Tonight wasn't bad by any stretch of the word, but even Dave, who was the only person who really talked to me, was preoccupied with his girlfiend, as he well should be.
I don't know what to think. I don't enjoy this. But maybe I think it gets me attention. Yeah. I think that by not getting paid attention I'm receiving attention... I don't understand.
I feel like it's my fault. My fault for not trying hard enough, my fault for not being "in" on things, and my fault for giving up so easily. But I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel like I'm accepted and wanted places, and that I cannot shake.
I don't want to be alone. I don't need a boyfriend, I just... I just need a friend I can call and hang out with when I need to... someone who doesn't have fifty other friends that they have on their list above me.
I don't want to be on a list. I want the capability to be able to tell when someone truly cares about me, and when someone just tolerates me when they have to. And everything in between.
God I'm tired. I am SO sleepy. I don't know why, I just am. G'night all.
<-Ghost->
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