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Just what I needed (Just what I NEEDED!)
2003-11-18 at 8:55 p.m.
Anyone tired of hearing me talk about Joseph need not read any part of this entry. It's not just about him, though.
I've always been a girl who would rather hang out with guys than with girls. Pretty much always, at least. Since I can really remember. Something about the way they carried themselves, the way that girly things just didn't matter. My hair could be having the worst day ever, and it just didn't matter.
But part of being a part of the guys, was also living with the days where you feel honestly pretty, and then, it matters as much as the day when you felt horribly ugly, in the sense that it doesn't. Matter, that is. I think some of my sentences are somewhat difficult to follow.
I've been used to this. So used to it, in fact, that I don't care about those days either. Bad hair days can kiss my butt when I wake up, because I just don't care. To many of the girls I know, this is just crazy, but to me, it's just me.
So, yeah, I've gotten used to it. I don't hold myself to any beauty standards, and therefore, I don't seem to fall short of any of them. And then there's the downside of me not wanting to get in shape, because I don't see what I could be.
Why on earth am I talking about this, you ask? Because...right now, I've found somebody to whom it all truly doesn't matter.
I know I just said that to all my guy friends, none of this stuff ever mattered, but... I lied. There was still some kind of barrier that just wasn't crossed. I was 'one of the guys' but, I wasn't really. I was still a girl. And that was good, I guess. But, I could never feel really comfortable.
I'm a tactile person, so I've come to find out. I pat people on the back, I rub their heads, I love hugs, high-fives, handshakes, any of it. It's just part of who I am. So when I found this little guy who was suddenly smacking my butt, talking to me like I was anybody else, mock-choking me, leaning on me repeatedly, throwing books at my butt... and in general just feeling free to, as strange as this sounds, touch me like I was any other person... I was, well, touched.
It feels so strange, but there's an air of acceptance around him. He doesn't care that I'm a fat chick. It's like it doesn't matter! I'm not speaking in romantic terms at all. This is just something that hit me hard today.
I spent all period with him today. He leaned against me, head fully on my shoulder for a good few seconds a minimum of three times today. He sang "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You" with my name supplemented for the "you" part. He... he treats me like I'm a person...and not just a brain.
He actually wanted me to stop providing the lines for the script, so that I didn't have to do all the work.
That's all I do in the group activities in that class. When I'm with a partner, I do ALL the parts, and hand them the sheet of paper, and they copy.
He knew it too. He gave me a small little pep talk about not being a doormat anymore, and... it was nice.
Dad jokingly said "Rachel's got a boyfriend!" when I told him all of this. Or a part of it. This is the deeper part of it, that's all. The thoughts I've needed to get out. That's why I like that I have this. I can do that.
I don't have many people I can talk to. Even fewer that are actually in person most of the time. My best friends are my parents, Lindsey, and this other internet friend who goes by Wills. I've adjusted to having internet friends, but it gets lonely throughout the day.
My days are looking brighter bit by bit, though.
This isn't a romantically-inclined entry at all. I don't "crush" on Joseph. I just love that I feel... just the way I feel around him.
Linz says he must be gay if he can make me feel this good. But y'know what? I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter so much if he is or not. I know how he makes me feel about me. That's all I need.
<-Ghost->
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