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Where'd the good times go?
2003-10-08 at 11:14 p.m.
I don't feel good.
I mean... I really do not feel right. I just watched an awesome TV show... I had fun talking with my friends today... and now I'm crying.
I can't stop. I just can't. I don't get it at all... I wish I could understand what's going on with me.
I can blame it on hormones, but I have never been this bad. Ever. I feel... anxious. I'm terrified of nothing right now. My schoolwork has NEVER freaked me out like this before. It's been worrisome at best, but never... ever, has it made me this panicky.
I had a fit of the shakes earlier this week... it's only Wednesday. I'm terrified of tomorrow, where I have to sell ads... it's like no matter how much I do in a day, there's just MORE to do the next.
And I want to have some fun. But fun isn't fun anymore. Nothing is. It's just work, sleep, and tears.
I want to hole myself up into a cave, and just never come out again. No more school... no more pain.. just myself. I want it so bad, it hurts.
I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to hang anymore. I don't want to do anything. And this work lying before me hurts. I can already tell that the work I'm going to be doing on this research paper is going to be crappy at best. Just because I can't find the will to do it.
Not even to get it out of the way and ease the pain.
Because what's left after that?
I've been kind of deteriorating for a long time now. The fun bits of me are disappearing...and they're being replaced with unwarranted depression.
I have nothing to be depressed about. I have awesome grades... I don't have a lot of friends, but the friends I have mean a lot to me... I'm talented, so I keep hearing... but I... I don't know.
I don't want to feel this way, I honestly don't. I must have some anxiety disorder. Because I'm going insane with all of this. I'm getting no rest from my sleep... it's like I'm tense 24/7. And I don't have the determination to get the work out of the way.
I can just see myself years from now... wait. No, I can't. I have a feeling that I'm going to take the easy way out. I don't want to. I want to be successful. I want to be able to provide for my family...
I want to be able to relax at some point though. I'm tired. I'm so tired. And going to sleep now won't help me. I have to go somewhere in the morning anyway. I have to go sell something.
I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm crying again. I want to be good at things like I used to be. I want to be able to calm down and look at this stuff in a, y'know, sane manner... but I can't.
I'm turning these little projects into life or death situations. And for those not keeping score, I'm dying.
I'm going to do some more fact-finding for my report. Then I'm going to bed. And I'm going to wake up with a sick stomach like I did this morning... and hopefully I'll just go ahead and give myself an ulcer.
Good night all.
<-Ghost->
Song: Going Through the Motions;
Where've the Good Times Gone?-Nickelback
Episode: Seeing Red
Doing: Everything wrong, apparently.
:SOUNDTRACK:
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Mars Volta
:I
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