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Tears
2003-03-01 at 10:19 p.m.
What will tears bring? They bring a salty moisture to my face, they leave their sodden trail behind them, and you'd think that with the emptying of the tears, my heart would feel lifted.
So why is it that it still feels like an anvil in my chest?
Laughter brings me nothing anymore. I constantly laugh, and grin, and joke around, but it brings nothing to me.
I can't get around this feeling inside myself. I can't even describe the feeling. The cartoony version? I just swallowed a bitter-coated anvil, and it's ripping up my stomach with rotating knives.
Ok, so that wasn't as cartoony as I would've liked. Maybe it's more of a horror/gore kind of scene.
See? I can be semi-witty. Do you know how easy it is for me to just pretend I'm fine until I'm alone?
I can't even hold myself together anymore. I escape from the presence of people too often for my own liking. Maybe I should be writing something other than a journal entry.
Maybe I should try poetry. Maybe I should write a song or two. So I can get famous. And be surrounded by people who love me. And want to be me. And I can steal other people's spotlight more and more until I'm suffocating everyone around me with how wonderful I am.
I hate myself. I hate how good I am. This sounds so much like bragging, and I hate that fact too. Nobody can understand, because the second I try to tell someone how I feel, all they hear is, "I've got great grades...I'm so good at singing... I can play guitar...." And they miss the part in the middle where I'm screaming for someone to realize that I don't want any of this at all.
I've pleaded with teachers to not give me the academic awards I've earned. I've asked to not be forced to sing in front of others. I've begged for people to never hear me, or see me.
I want to be the shadow. I don't WANT the spotlight. I want it to be on everyone around me. I can see as bright as day how brilliant these people surrounding me are, and they all hate me because they think I want the attention I steal from them.
I DON'T! I don't want ANYTHING. I want to be taken away from others, so they can shine. I dont' want to shine. I want to rust, and tarnish, so that others around me can be wonderful, because I know they can.
But all anyone sees when they look at me is the glory, talent, and smarts I've been gifted with. Well screw that. I want to be allowed to feel pain, and bleed, and die like everyone else obviously can. This pedestal I'm on is bought by pure nothingness.
I don't try. I try to NOT try, and yet I succeed. People surrounding me, they try, and surpass me, and they go so much further within themselves than I could ever go, but I'm the one people watch.
I'm the one people acknowledge.
When I say people, I don't mean students. Students forget me. They only turn to me when school's on the line. They need answers on homework, it's me. Then it's back to their groups. Their friends. Their lives.
God, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of being smart. I'm tired of being talented. I'm tired of being the me that everyone knows. Can somebody please just...wake up and realize that I'm not the person you think you know? I'm me.
I'm me. I'm crying, I'm bleeding inside, and I feel like I want to die, but can anyone see it? Can anyone see me?
Nobody sees me at all. Everyone sees the shining, bright girl with the red hair that's brilliant and talented, but nobody sees the trembling, tear-stained freak in the corner, that's screaming to be freed.
I'm in a cage. A cage of glory that I never even asked for. Can anyone see the freak? Can anyone see the person screaming inside of the shell?
Can anyone look past how good you think I am and see that I'm being tortured by the attention?
Spotlight to me is sunlight to a vampire. It burns. It feels like it's killing me, and I want to get as far from it as I possibly can.
But those who think they know what's best for me shove me into it, and make me feel important. Do they not know that I can hear how horrible I am? Do they not know that I'm not a blind, deaf idiot who can't tell when I don't deserve to be recognized?
And I never deserve it. Those around me, who try and succeed. They deserve it. Not me. Not this worthless excuse of a... I don't even know what I am.
I can't. I can't do this anymore. Not now. I have so much more that I'm feeling. And amazingly, this has done nothing to help.
Wow. Guess I'll just go back to being happy and shiny, right? Cause god knows I'd never get away with being myself.
<-Ghost->
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